my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
