I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
