My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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