hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
