Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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