I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
