I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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