I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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