omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
