i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
