Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
