and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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