I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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