the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
