My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
