Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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