Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
