I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
