i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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