I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
