Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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