im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
