Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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