You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
