I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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