Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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