On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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