Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
