i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
