Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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