Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
