Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
