I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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