Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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