Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
