Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
