Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
