I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
