yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
