Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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