You just made me feel so damn special
Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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