We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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