Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
