Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
