The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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