I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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