first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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