You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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