I wish I could teleport
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
