I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
