Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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